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Through My Eyes... |
The Wrong Way: Distortion, Disruption, Division and Derision
Oct 09, 2009
By Cornelia Spelman
Those who are using the un-helpful methods I'm calling "The Four D's" (Distortion, Disruption, Division, and Derision) to obstruct the passage of good health care policies are letting themselves be Mis-Lead by their Mis-Leaders and this sign reminded me of it. The right way: Civility, Listening to the Facts, Respectful Disagreement and Forging Consensus.
Actually, there isn't "the right way"--any way that ensures civility and respect can work.
Health Care Town Meetings and “The Four D’s”
Sep 03, 2009
By Cornelia Spelman
Distortion, Disruption, Divison, and Derision
My sign read "Civility & Llstening to the Facts" and some TV station filmed the sign, as 1200 of us waited to enter Niles West High School for a recent Health Care Town Meeting sponsored by Illinois Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky. But we all had to surrender our signs before entering, so I couldn't communicate that message during the many episodes of uncivil behavior exhibited by some of my fellow-citizens (I am not sure they were even constituents.)
The message of civility and attention to facts would've been lost, anyway, on those members of the audience whose only objective was to Distort, Disrupt, Divide, and Deride. I quickly realized it was not a matter of civility, but of deliberate intent NOT to help, solve, unite, or advance our common good. The Four D's are being encouraged, and celebrated, as if they were especially democratic rights, by "Mis-Leaders" like Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, and others.
People who are angry and are encouraged to stay angry, and who have not learned how to constructively direct their anger or work with others to solve problems are not able to hear a message about civility and facts. Facts have nothing to do with their anger. Those angry people who crowd town halls across the country, who distort, disrupt, divide and deride, may have many individual reasons for anger, but what they share is the destructive desire to scapegoat and hate someone or something. This reservoir of anger and hostility is purposely ignited by Mis-Leaders. Igniting anger which results in destructive behavior is dangerous. The majority of us at the town hall meeting, believing in free speech but civil discourse, were alarmed by the shouted insults, interruptions, and bizarre, accusatory rants of the angry people. We should be alarmed.
A Parent’s New Year’s Resolution
Jan 04, 2009
By Cornelia Spelman
It may seem alien to make a New Year's resolution that doesn't require us to strive for something, but, instead, to relax into what we already have.
In this New Year, that opportunity lies before us. Each day we have the opportunity to "be" instead of to "strive." From those who have been bereaved, we have the opportunity to learn that it is not possessions, money, places, or exotic experiences that children need to be happy, but that moment when the beloved comes home.
We have the most extraordinary power to bestow upon those we love, especially our children, that very treasure lost to others forever--our presence and attention. Regardless of what we don't have, or what we think we need to get, or what we believe we deserve--what we actually have, now--being together--is the most precious and irreplaceable thing of all.
And yet--in our eagerness to improve ourselves and to better our children's lives, we may not even be aware of all that we have, of all that is right in front of us. What adjustments might we need to make to bring about this awareness and appreciation? In order it live in the present, it can help to imagine a distant future. In five years, where will your children be, and how will you have spent that time? In ten years? Childhood, one learns after one's children have grown up, turns out to have been a very short time. Do we want to spend it being over-busy, overtired, or elsewhere? Or do we want to, right now, go find our children, put our arms around them, read them a story, listen to them, look at them? We can, today and every day of the New Year, give them the most important thing they could ever have--our time, our attention, our simple presence.
On SARAH PALIN
Sep 05, 2008
By Cornelia Spelman
With the steady nerves of a surgeon, Sarah Palin, wielding her scalpel of derogatory remarks, sliced open the wounds of division and hostility which have characterized the Bush/Cheney years and turned Americans against Americans.
She values aggression. She is proud that, as she put it, lipstick is the only difference between her, as a hockey mom, and a pit bull.
The audience loved her hostile remarks about “liberals,” the “elite media,” the “Washington elite,” and the “permanent political establishment.” They loved it best when she ridiculed community organizers--they don’t, she said, with a curl of her lip, have “actual responsibilities.”
Palin claims, for herself and those who share her viewpoint, Americanism. She is, she says, from a small town, where people “do some of the hardest work in America…grow our food…run our factories, and fight our wars. They love their country in good times and bad, and they’re always proud of America.” She is, as an RNC attendee told a TV interviewer the next day, “one of the normal Americans like us.”
“Like us.”
It is this division of Americans into “us” and “them” that politicians and talk show hosts who engage in hostility and derision actively work to maintain.
If we’re not Palin’s—or Giuliani’s, or Huckaby’s, or Romney’s, or Bush’s, or Cheney’s, or McCain’s-- “us,” -- if if we differ-- we’re “them.
I call on Palin's "better angel" to study this line from her speech, “No one expects us all to agree on everything, but we are expected to govern with integrity, and goodwill…”
When a Child’s Parent Dies
Mar 31, 2008
By Cornelia Spelman
"Tulip Grief"
When a child's parent dies, we feel helpless, but we can actually help a lot. We can help by allowing a child to feel the deep sadness that such a death brings, by sitting close, by holding hands or embracing, by crying together. This sharing of pain makes it bearable.
Of course, we wish we could protect children from this pain, so we might try to deny it. However, we need to resist the impulse to divert attention from a loss, to minimize, or to give false reassurance. Usually when we try to cheer someone up, it is because we can't tolerate the feelings aroused in us by someone else's sadness. Yet, just accepting what another feels, without trying to change it, can be immensely comforting.
Close listening is important because it will reveal a child's misconceptions and fears about death. These are ideas that might not occur to adults but can torment a child, such as that if she falls asleep, she too will die; or that he somehow caused the death by being "bad." Children need to know that despite the loss of a parent, there are still family members or friends who love and will continue to care for them.
Perhaps most importantly, a child needs to feel hope. While the precious person who died will always be missed, the child will not always feel such an enveloping sadness. Time will bring new adventures, new satisfactions, new people to love. A child most needs to know that happiness will continue to be possible, and was not buried with the dead.
October: Knowing What We Feel
Oct 01, 2007
By Cornelia Spelman
Growing up as the youngest in a large family, I listened to and watched other people a lot. This made me curious about why people behave as they do. One of the ways I satisfied that curiosity was by returning to school in mid-life to study human behavior and to become a clinical social worker.
Clinical social workers learn about human development and behavior and are trained to help people solve problems through assessment, counseling and psychotherapy, advocacy, and referral and linkage to community resources. We also promote social justice and social change with and on behalf of our clients.
My education and training as a clinical social worker, my subsequent years of professional experience with children and families, and my own life experiences taught me that our emotions -- even those that are unpleasant or frightening -- give us valuable information about ourselves, others, and our circumstances.
Like the gauges on a car, they alert us to what we need to know in order to be effective drivers. Yet many of us did not learn how to recognize, manage, and learn from our emotions. Instead, we may have learned to ignore, bury, or run away from them. This blindness to our own "gauges" can cause confusion in our decision-making and difficulties in our relationships with others.
For better and for worse, we all learned from our parents, and our children learn from us. While we may not have learned from our parents how to acknowledge and take care of our emotions, we can improve upon our parenting by taking advantage of all the information and help available to us and using it with our own children.
Each of my picture books, though addressing different subjects, tries to teach young children and their parents, teachers, or caregivers how to recognize, learn from, and manage emotion. They also emphasize that comfort comes from being connected to other people, from sharing emotions, and from being understood and listened to. I believe this kind of emotional education is deeply important.
For instance, When I Feel Angry was written to educate children and their adults about one of the most difficult feelings to experience and manage. Learning to resolve conflict in ways that do not hurt others seems more important than ever. It is the one sure thing that each of us can do about violence, and the one sure way in which we can contribute to a more peaceful world.
Next month: Accepting Children's Feelings
The Death of Barbaro
Jan 30, 2007
By Cornelia Spelman
Why I Cry for a Horse
The death of Barbaro occurred on a day ( like any) when the news of the world was full of horrible stories of human deaths. Some people have said that those of us who cry for Barbaro ought to be crying for our fellow man (and woman and child) but--can't we cry for all of them?
Isn't the admonition to only honor and mourn the death of someone of a certain religion, or political view, or ethnicity, or country, or gender, or age--or species-- simply a way to dishonor anyone who isn't "like me"?
Surely there is room in our hearts for love, for tears, or, at the very least, for compassion--for the death of any living being. This room underlies our opposition to capital punishment, or our repugnance when there is delight in the misery and suffering of anyone, even one's enemies. It is what makes one turn one's face away from the spectacle of hangings. Of course those who injure or kill others must accept responsibility, must lose their freedom--but many of us believe it is wrong to murder them.
Barbaro's life, and his death, undoubtedly have unique meanings to each of the thousands of us who saw his triumph in the Kentucky Derby; watched his horrifying injury in the Preakness, and have subsequently followed his progress. For me, it was thrilling to see such a beautiful, healthy, magnificent, gifted creature, and sickening to realize how all of those qualities could be altered, in an instant. This is what can happen in life. We all know it, but we manage not to think about it all the time. Barbaro's accident provided us with an unavoidable and painful reminder.
For me, the accident happened at the same time that a close family member was dangerously ill (luckily, my loved one recovered ). My own personal emotional reaction, therefore, to Barbaro's injury was immediate and intense: NO! Not another reminder (as if we all didn't have plenty, every day) of life's fragility, of the passage--sometimes gradual, sometimes immediate--into disability and decline.
Also, watching Barbaro run was just plain fun. Sunshine; fancy hats; the excited faces of so many spectators. (Yes, I know there is another side, too--why run these beautiful creatures so fast, risking such terrible injuries, for money?) But wasn't there something, out of these days of grief for our dead and maimed soldiers and their families, for the Iraquis who have been killed and injured, for all the terrible havoc and damage brought about by our reckless administration and the dangerous spirits they've sent into the world--couldn't one forget all that, for a few moments, and just be happy to watch that beautiful horse run?
I'm not ashamed to cry for Barbaro, as well as for people I don't even know. It's all just a sickening waste of beauty, health, and talent. Sometimes, it can't be helped--and sometimes, it could have been.
First Amendment Kids!
Sep 05, 2005
By Cornelia Spelman
Students from Nursery Road Elementary School Educate State Legislators About Liberty
At the Seattle Convention Center in August, students from Nursery Road Elementary School in Columbia, South Carolina , under the leadership of Principal Mary Kennerly, presented a program to an audience of state legislators from all over the country about how their school practices First Amendment rights and responsibilities. Five children spoke of registering voters at the high school, writing a constitution, and honoring others' rights. They illustrated their mnemonic device, "R.A.P.P.S" --for Religion, Assembly, Petition, Press, and Speech-- read from a book they wrote about the (fictional)day "the President lost the First Amendment" and needed to have a South Carolina schoolchild rush to Washington to tell him about it. They ended their presentation with a song about the Constitution.
I was among those thrilled spectators who rose to give a standing ovation to these articulate, dynamic young people. Their poise and dignity and their easy command of First Amendment rights--and responsibilities-- was inspiring.
During this time in our country when one cannot rely on candor from Washington, when a New York Times reporter is jailed, when demonstrators are kept fenced and blocks away from the President, the fresh, enthusiastic, and straightforward example of the importance of the First Amendment rights from these Nursery Road Elementary School students was revitalizing.
Nursery Road is one of several dozen schools, public and private, participating in the First Amendment Schools project, a national school reform initiative sponsored by the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development (ASCD) and the First Amendment Center. The program aims to support schools that model and apply First Amendment principles throughout their communities.
"While all of us are born with certain inalienable rights," said First Amendment Schools coordinator, Sam Chaltain, "none of us is born with the wisdom to exercise those rights. It takes practice. And where else but in our nation's schools will our next generation of Americans acquire that practice?"
Sam Chaltain introduces the Nursery Road students
Quoting Justice Learned Hand, Chaltain said, "Liberty resides in the hearts of men and women, and when it dies there, no Constitution, no law, no court, can save it." Then, introducing the five Nursery Road Elementary students, he added, "It is my honor to introduce to you five future leaders, in whose hearts liberty surely resides."
The presentation can be viewed at http://www.tvw.org/MediaPlayer/Archived/WME.cfm?EVNum=2005080077C&TYPE=V (Fast forward to about 11:44 on the timer to the beginning of the presentation)
First Amendment Schools can be found at http://www.firstamendmentschools.org Click Project School Profiles to learn more about Nursery Road school.
Actions Speak Louder than Words
Sep 04, 2005
By Cornelia Spelman
It is abundantly clear to anyone who has been watching and listening to the situation in New Orleans that our government failed to respond adequately.
We don't need experts to tell us this--the faces of the anguished people begging for help have made it perfectly clear that no matter what President Bush says about it, this human catastrophe could have been prevented or hugely lessened. Too late, for all those who died, for the leader of our country to say it is the fault of Nature, or of local and state government. And it is offensive to me to hear some people call this "the blame game." It is no game.
William Cohen, former Secretary of Defense, said on CNN today that there ought to be no distinction between acts of nature and acts of terrorism--the government needs to be able to respond to either in the same way. The questions to ask of the government: What did they know? When did they know it? What did they do about it?
The answers to the first two questions have been widely discussed this week--they've known FOR YEARS that New Orleans was in danger.
The bodies floating in New Orleans indicate that the answer to the last question is: not enough.
Island People
Jul 27, 2005
By Cornelia Spelman
A trip to New England sparked my interest in the writings of Sarah Orne Jewett (1849-1909).
An early feminist, ecologist and architectural preservationist, Jewett wrote about the Maine country people she knew so well. Her best known story--really a novella--"The Country of the Pointed Firs"-- is a series of portraits of the lives of ordinary people.
A woman named Joanna, heartbroken by a sweetheart, actually moves away from her little town to a small island off the coast to live in total seclusion for the rest of her life. The townspeople, while respecting her privacy, watch over her from a distance, and continue to care for her over the years by dropping off packages on her beach.
I felt sad for her pain, and touched by others' unwavering concern for her. Jewett poses a "moral" for us from the story: "In the lives of each of us, I said to myself, there is a place remote and islanded, and given to endless regret or secret happiness; we are each the uncompanioned hermit and recluse of an hour or day; we understand our fellows of the cell from whatever age of history they may belong."
Ships of Hope and Peace
Jan 03, 2005
By Cornelia Spelman
Isn't it wonderful to see American ships being used to help, not destroy?
American ships have gone to help tsunami victims. Isn't it wonderful to see the dramatic television pictures of American soldiers handing out clean water and food and helping evacuate the injured? Isn't this what one wants America to be?
For the soldiers, it must be a huge relief to be able to fulfill this role instead of that of destroyer. For once, they have been sent to help, not hurt. We have seen so much death and destruction, of our soldiers, and by our soldiers, who have been ordered to kill and destroy.
Doesn't it seem obvious that being the helpers in our small world is the way to win heart and minds? Isn't it the way people need to be with each other on our endangered planet? Don't you feel good that your taxes are supporting these good actions and not the torture of prisoners?
I fear, however, that the Bush administration will use this present goodness to distract attention for the present and on-going badness in Iraq. Sons and daughters have been put in harm's way--are not properly equipped, are asked to do the impossible not for altruistic ideals but for political expediency. It is sickening. One wants to hold a mask over one's nose as the survivors of the tsunami must do in the presence of all those corpses.
If you agree, write your representatives. Tell them what you want America's ships to deliver-- peace.
Somebody’s Darlings: Remembering the Cost of War in Human Lives
Oct 28, 2004
By Cornelia Spelman
Over two thousand American soldiers--somebody's darlings- killed so far in Iraq. Thousands wounded.
According to an article in the British medical journal, The Lancet, 98,000 Iraqis have been killed.
The late writer, W.G. Sebald, believed that "War is a battle in which remembrance gets crushed by the desire to forget." (Sebald's odd and fascinating novels are all about memory.) Isn't it crucial that we not forget certain things?
Such as the comments of the military surgeon whose job it was to repair the wrecked bodies of our young men and women wounded in Iraq: "We have had a number of really horrific injuries now from the war. They have lost arms, legs, hands, they have been burned, they have had significant brain injuries and peripheral nerve damage. These are young kids that are going to be, in some regards, changed for life."
For what cause would I, or do you, believe the sacrifice of our sons' or daughters' life, or their mutilation, would be justified? Those who have lost their beloved in this war must, I think, to endure the pain, believe that it was worth it. Surely there are causes that would be. The torture and repression of a people is something against which one wants to take a stand -- but what motivates our government to take that stand in one situation and not in another? The world is full of tyrants and repressive regimes--how are we to choose which ones we will fight against? And shall we decide just by ourselves regardless of world opinion?
We attacked a nation that did not attack us, and that did not pose an immediate threat to us or to international security. We weakened the authority of the UN and international law. These are not the American values with which I identify.
An image that keeps coming to mind is that of the evil flying monkeys, sent out by the bad witch in the movie "The Wizard of Oz"-- it seems that these evil spirits are what have been unleashed by attacking Iraq. We are reaping a terrible harvest of hatred and death.
How do you feel about it? What will you do?
Helping Children in Darfur
Sep 11, 2004
By Cornelia Spelman
As we comfort our own children about the losses in their lives, we can extend our compassion to the children of Darfur.
Almost as many people are still dying in Darfur every week as died in the World Trade Center attack. Nicholas D. Kristof of The New York Times notes in his column of September 11th that the conditions in Darfur are nearly unimaginable--children living under trees with their parents shot or mutilated in front of them; little children being sent out at night to gather wood because they are less likely to be raped or murdered. Although the situation seems too painful to contemplate, we can help by taking a moment to send a contribution to Doctors Without Borders (http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org) in our own children's names. Where possible, Doctors Without Borders is present in refugee camps. (You'll have to go the website as it's not working to click on it in this text.) Here's what your contribution can do: $35 will provide two high energy meals a day to 200. $50 will provide critical vaccinations to 50 children. $100 will provide antibiotics for nearly forty wounded children.
Our government has finally declared that this slaughter in Darfur is genocide. We need to ask the President to respond with urgency (the comment line at the White House is 202-456-1111). A million lives are at risk while we take our time figuring out what to do!
A Horse Wearing Blinders Only Sees What’s in Front of It
Jul 30, 2004
By Cornelia Spelman
In this election season, when nothing less than the future of our country is at stake, any person who unquestioningly accepts the news from major broadcast and cable networks is like a horse wearing blinders. It only sees what's in front of it. On a road with a cliff, this is dangerous. Of course, a horse doesn't have a choice about the blinders, and we do.
With his usual clarity, columnist Paul Krugman wrote in The New York Times on July 30th("Triumph of the Trivial" http://www.nytimes.com) that he read, for sixty days, transcripts from the major cable and broadcast TV networks which four out of five Americans cite as their news sources. What are those four out of five voters seeing?
Like the blindered horse, only what the networks want them to see. John Kerry has addressed many substantive issues, but the voter won't hear about it. The voter will hear about trivia--about Teresa Heinz Kerry's remark, although not, Krugman points out, the context in which the remark was made.
"We hear about Mr. Kerry's haircuts, not his healthcare proposals. We hear about George Bush's brush-cutting, not his environmental policies." writes Krugman. "In short, the triumph of the trivial is not a trivial matter," he continues. "...The failure of TV news to inform the public about the policy proposals of this year's presidential candidates is, in its own way, as serious a journalistic betrayal as the failure to raise questions about the rush to invade Iraq."
The major networks' decisions not to broadcast the Democratic National Convention were a plain insult to this voter. Could it be true that the American public would rather watch trivial shows? I don't believe it.
We must take off those blinders, read everything, listen to everything, use our minds and our hearts and take responsibility for making an informed decision. If we don't, we may run right off that cliff.
“Please Call Me By My True Names” by Thich Nhat Hanh
May 11, 2004
By Cornelia Spelman
This poem was written in 1978, during the time of helping the boat people, by Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh (see "resources" for his books)
Don't say that I will depart tomorrow-- even today I am still arriving. Look deeply, every second I am arriving to be a bud on a Spring branch, to be a tiny bird, with still-fragile wings, learning to sing in my new nest, to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower, to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.
I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry, to fear and to hope. The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death of all that is alive.
I am a mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river. And I am the bird that swoops down to swallow the mayfly.
I am a frog swimming happily in the clear water of a pond. And I am the grass-snake that silently feeds itself on the frog.
I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks. And I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to Uganda.
I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on the small boat, who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate. And I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving.
I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my hands. And I am the man who has to pay his 'debt of blood' to my people dying slowly in a forced-labor camp.
My joy is like Spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth. My pain is like a river of tears, so vast it fills the four oceans.
Please call me by my true names, so I can hear all my cries and laughter at once, so I can see that my joy and pain are one.