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Through My Eyes... |
When a Child’s Parent Dies
Mar 31, 2008
By Cornelia Spelman
"Tulip Grief"
When a child's parent dies, we feel helpless, but we can actually help a lot. We can help by allowing a child to feel the deep sadness that such a death brings, by sitting close, by holding hands or embracing, by crying together. This sharing of pain makes it bearable.
Of course, we wish we could protect children from this pain, so we might try to deny it. However, we need to resist the impulse to divert attention from a loss, to minimize, or to give false reassurance. Usually when we try to cheer someone up, it is because we can't tolerate the feelings aroused in us by someone else's sadness. Yet, just accepting what another feels, without trying to change it, can be immensely comforting.
Close listening is important because it will reveal a child's misconceptions and fears about death. These are ideas that might not occur to adults but can torment a child, such as that if she falls asleep, she too will die; or that he somehow caused the death by being "bad." Children need to know that despite the loss of a parent, there are still family members or friends who love and will continue to care for them.
Perhaps most importantly, a child needs to feel hope. While the precious person who died will always be missed, the child will not always feel such an enveloping sadness. Time will bring new adventures, new satisfactions, new people to love. A child most needs to know that happiness will continue to be possible, and was not buried with the dead.